The boy I love tells me he loves me back, and sometimes even acts like he loves me. But sometimes this boy plays games with my heart and fucks with my head. He never goes out of his way for me. He tells me to grow up when in reality he’s the one who’s childish. I’ve never felt more neglected. This boy has put me through hell more times then I can count on my hands. No one has ever hurt me as much as he has. No one has ever pretended to care like he does. No one has lied to me more than he. He doesn’t deserve me at all. I shouldn’t even love him, I could even go as far as he doesn’t even deserve love. He can’t handle a relationship. And I’ve tried so hard for this weird and very volatile relationship to keep from exploding. I don’t know what he cares about. Perhaps he cares for too many people, I’m not that special. I am so disposable to him. Maybe he cares for video games, and getting drunk, and taking drugs. He is a hypocrite. He is a liar. Even though I should actually despise this boy I am extremely attached to him. This is weird. I can’t explain why he means so much to me but I can’t be without him. He’s a big influence on me. I give him everything he wants when he has no money and when he has money. I’d do anything to make him happy. When he’s sad I comfort him, when he’s mad I give him a cigarette and calm him down. I scratch his back and watch him play video games. I would wait for this boy all day if I knew that at the end of waiting he’d be there all for me. I may not be the perfect girl for him, but I sure have given him all the love I can give him. I’ve taken all his punches. All the tears this boy has caused could fill up a huge swimming pool. I guess I’ve gotta be patient…because eventually he’ll give me the illusion that he cares and I finally feel important for a little while, or at least until I frustrate him or do something wrong. Then it’s back to crying and just begging for him to put the illusion back. I am so lost, it almost feels like I’m barely living. I don’t understand anything. I can’t find an oasis. Or channel my emotions into artwork. This boy makes me the happiest I can get or makes me feel like not eating for weeks and cutting my wrists— if I were into that kinda thing.